Senate Judiciary Committee Abandons LGBT Amendments to Comprehensive Immigration Reform, Ending 13-Year Effort to Pass the Uniting American Families Act
- At May 22, 2013
- By The DOMA Project
- In Featured, News, Press Release
3
Defeat of DOMA, More Critical Than Ever, as Key Senate Democrats Signal They Will Abandon LGBT Amendments to Comprehensive Immigration Reform
- At May 21, 2013
- By The DOMA Project
- In Featured, News
- 17
BETRAYAL: BUT FOR THE VOTES, IT IS ALL BUT OVER.
Today will likely be the day many of us have long known would come. Twenty years of grassroots organizing and exhaustive advocacy have brought us here and yet it will now fail. The historic opportunity to pass a Comprehensive Immigration Reform bill out of the Senate Judiciary Committee with an amendment providing for the unification of LGBT families is almost certainly gone.
Without an amendment in Committee, there stands zero chance of such an amendment being added next month on the Senate floor. Media reports (Politico, Washington Blade, AP) in the past few days have all but confirmed that at least two leading Senate Judiciary Committee Democrats have caved to empty Republican threats to sabotage immigration reform if lesbian and gay Americans are included. These two prominent members of the Senate Judiciary Committee could have stood up to the outrageous Republican scapegoating of lesbian and gay Americans, but they did not. If you have ever felt like calling a U.S. Senator, particularly if you live in New York or California, you should consider making that call now.
Despite hearing from tens of thousands of constituents in recent weeks, Senator Chuck Schumer (D-New York) and Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-California) have not budged. They will refuse to vote for either amendment, and as a result, Chairman Senator Patrick Leahy will likely not call either of his LGBT amendments (the one based on the Uniting American Families Act, which I helped write 14 years ago, or his historic and unexpected Marriage Equality “DOMA Carve Out” exception) for a vote, knowing that the amendments will fail to garner the necessary 10 out of 10 Democratic votes to pass out of Committee.
The betrayal of our community by Senator Schumer who voted for DOMA as a member of the House and fought for gay votes when he ran for Senate despite HRC’s controversial endorsement of his incumbent opponent, Republican Alphonse D’Amato, is appalling to put it mildly. After all his promises to fight for LGBT inclusion in CIR, he has signaled day after day that he won’t upset the bipartisan Gang of Eight applecart by standing up for our community. Dianne Feinstein, who, 35 years ago, became Mayor of San Francisco after the assassination of Mayor Moscone and Harvey Milk, has once again failed to provide leadership when the going got tough. Her leadership on the repeal of DOMA via the Respect for Marriage Act notwithstanding, this was the moment that counted. This was the moment that required courage and leadership. The most vulnerable members of our community relied on Senator Schumer and Senator Feinstein to stand up for us and end decades of catastrophic and irreparable harm to our families caused by DOMA and our exclusion from US immigration law.
Today, it seems clear, they will betray us. Remember this when you are rejoicing about the seemingly inevitable momentum we are experiencing as one state after another passes Marriage Equality. Remember this when Facebook is filled with BREAKING NEWS telling you that 54 Senators have declared support for Marriage Equality. Remember this when staggering public polling results show support for marriage equality reaching new highs in places as far as Virginia, and with every demographic, including the oldest Americans. Certainly, this progress should be greeted with elation, but if our elected officials refuse to vote for our lives, for our equality, and for our future, our families will continue to be torn apart. Parents will continue to be separated from their children for years, couples will continue to be forced into exile or separated for many years, and foreign spouses and partners of lesbian and gay Americans will continue to be deported.
Who could have stopped this? Senator Schumer and Senator Feinstein. Who has refused to prioritize the needs of their large constituencies of LGBT binational couples? Senators Schumer and Feinstein. Please, by all means, call their offices and let them know how you feel. Regrettably, I am forced to conclude that at this point it is almost certainly too late to pressure them to change their position; nonetheless, they deserve to know what their cowardice means to our community. They have thrown us under the bus, caving to Republican threats, rather than challenging their GOP colleagues to be accountable for their inflammatory anti-gay messaging.
What’s worse, in my opinion, it is becoming clear that there was never any chance that either of them were planning to go to bat for us. So, for weeks, we endured gay bashing by Republicans over amendments that were doomed to failure in Committee because they lacked the support of cowardly Democrats. This was a foregone conclusion, and it cost us dearly.
What remains? We must defeat DOMA (see more here) because these U.S. Senators, generally regarded with good reason as being allies of our community, refuse to exercise leadership when the going gets rough. We must win a decisive blow against DOMA in the Court of Public Opinion, and ensure a smooth transition to a post-DOMA future in which all our families are reunited and secure.
-Lavi Soloway, Co-Founder The DOMA Project, Partner in the immigration law firm, Masliah & Soloway
Young Love Forced into Exile: Jodi and Amanda Speak Out Against DOMA Exile
- At May 20, 2013
- By Brad Mattan
- In Featured, Jodi & Amanda, News, Our Stories
- 0
We should have the rights of any other person. We should not be excluded.
Hi, I am Jodi. My partner, Amanda, and I met online two years ago through a virtual game site called Habbo Hotel. There, we both entered a ‘dating room’ for bisexual, lesbian, and gay teenagers. I had been in the room many times before, Amanda however had not. The dating world was new to both of us and meeting online seemed strange at the time considering all the bad stories and press about it.
Eventually, we exchanged emails and Amanda made a Skype account especially to talk to me. Our main problem was that she was in Miami, FL, and I was in Scotland. So time differences and an ocean made a relationship seem too hard but we gave it a try. And it was worth it!
Our first day together
In the present day, Amanda and I are together. We live with my mother in the U.K. while saving up for a house for ourselves. Amanda is also an Irish citizen so she’s okay in the U.K. but she misses home. We both know well that our hearts are set on living in the U.S. However, I cannot live in the U.S. since DOMA prevents the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages. Thus, an American citizen like Amanda cannot sponsor her spouse for a green card. However, like the many binational couples involved with The DOMA Project, we are determined to make that change and very soon. As the polls show that nearly 60% of Americans support equal marriage rights for lesbian and gay couples, the time for marriage equality is now.
It’s so tragic to see couples torn apart from their loved ones. I’ve heard so many stories of men and women having to leave their homes in the U.S. so they can be with their partner in the U.K. or another country. It really is disgraceful and something needs to be done. By sharing our story, we’re doing just that. Our stories help challenge others to realize that we are human beings and we should have as much rights as they do. Even though we are young, we realize this, so I’m sure that many older and wiser people will eventually see this and let us live our lives peacefully in the U.S.
I will raise as much awareness as possible, and please if you can try and spread the word too. We are human, nothing more or less. We expect nothing less than equality.
Debbie and Sjoukje in Exile: Twelve Years Together, Separated from their American Family Because of DOMA
- At May 17, 2013
- By Brad Mattan
- In Debbie & Sjoukje, Featured, News, Our Stories
- 2
Debbie and Sjoukje
In a very short time there will be a ruling that affects a lot of people. The U.S. Supreme Court heard oral arguments for and against Section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). In the Senate, legislators are working on an immigration bill. Sjoukje and I are two of those that will be affected by these events. I have lived here in the Netherlands for 12 years. Sjoukje and I have been legal partners for 12, and legally married for 8. Because of that, I have the Dutch equivalent of a green card and can live and work here as long as I want.
Because the person that I fell in love with and decided to share my life with is a woman from another country, these coming events affect my life greatly. Because DOMA prevents federal recognition of same-sex marriages, I am not able to sponsor Sjoukje for a green card in my own country, the U.S. Instead, I live 4,000 miles away from my family, whom I see only once or twice a year. I am not able to spend the last years with my aging father. Don’t get me wrong; I am very grateful for the Netherlands where I have the right to live with my married partner and continue my career as a nurse. However, this does not change the fact that I do not have the choice to live in my own country.
My Dutch patients are often curious why I moved here to the Netherlands, and I always tell them, “voor de liefde“. That means I moved here because I fell in love. They say, “Well why don’t you two live there?” I tell them that because my wife is also a woman, we cannot live in the US. They can’t believe that there is still such discrimination in the US in this day and time.
Next week, the U.S. Supreme Court will rule on DOMA. This law defines civil marriage as between one man and one woman for the purpose of all federal laws. The President himself believes DOMA is unconstitutional and is not defending it. In fact, his Attorney General and the Department of Justice has been going to court for the past two years and arguing against DOMA, in support of gay and lesbian couples suing the government. If Section 3 of DOMA is deemed unconstitutional by the Supreme Court, marriages of same-sex couples will be recognized by the federal government exactly the same way as marriages of opposite sex couples are currently recognized; we would be fully equal, including for the purposes of immigration laws.
As for congressional immigration reform, if they will just add a very small phrase to their bill that includes “and permanent partners” we will also benefit from this immigration bill, though the “partner” provision will expire if DOMA is struck down. It is ironically, now, a matter of fighting for both: defeating DOMA and passing inclusive immigration laws, just in case we lose at the Supreme Court at least we will have the possible remedy. Sjoukje and I belong to a couple of groups that have been extremely active in these processes: Bi-Nationals and Love Exiles. I would like to thank Lin and Martha McDevitt-Pugh for all of your time, effort, and enthusiasm.
I would like to tell my family and friends that if you would like to support us, write and call your elected officials and local newspaper. You can also do your part by sharing our story and that of many others posted at The DOMA Project. Sharing our stories is the best way we can encourage our friends and family to join us in our fight for our human rights.
Leif and Morris: DOMA Forces Gay American to Move to New Zealand, Far from Friends and Family
- At May 16, 2013
- By Brad Mattan
- In Featured, Leif & Morris, News, Our Stories
- 2
Morris and I first met on an internet site in July 2008. Morris was planning to come to San Francisco in September of that year to attend the Folsom Street Fair. When we met on October 1, it was really love at first sight. Really. So much so, that from our first meeting we spent as much time together as possible during the month of October until Morris had to return home in early November.
Once Morris arrived back in the little New Zealand town of Te Aroha where he lived, we began emailing and chatting daily via Skype. We normally chatted for an hour or more, catching up on our respective days, lives, and planning towards their next time together.
Morris then returned to San Francisco for three weeks in February 2009 to see if the connection we had been building over the last three months was still as strong in person the second time around; it more than was. During the visit we didn’t travel much together but did spend a great amount of time with friends. Morris returned to Te Aroha and we continued to build upon their relationship online until I went to visit Morris in New Zealand in May of that year. My trip to New Zealand was magical. It was one of exploration, while falling deeper in love with the man of my dreams.
After I was back home in San Francisco, we kept up daily communication leading up to Morris’s next trip to see me for the month of July 2009. During the month we spent the bulk of the time with my circle of friends who were rapidly adopting Morris as part of the family.
Leif and Morris at the Hoover Dam
It was also during that visit when Morris and I met with a well-known immigration attorney in San Francisco. The goal of this meeting was to determine what Morris would need to get a visa allowing him to start a business in the US while pursuing a relationship with me. The meeting with the attorney made it clear that immigration to the US was a very difficult venture require deep financial investment on Morris’ part that we would not be able to afford. It would have required that Morris sell off his investments in New Zealand, which he was unable to do at that time. It was then that we realized that being together long-term in the US was not an accessible option. This was a major turning point that could have seen the end of our relationship as it was indeed Morris’ hope to leave New Zealand to be with me in the US on some kind of visa status.
Morris returned to San Francisco for two months in September. There were a number of major events for us during this trip, including our one-year anniversary which we celebrated at the Cliff House restaurant. It was during dinner that Morris asked me to marry him, to which I, of course, said yes. At that time, same-sex marriage was not legal in California and we were aware that if we did marry in another state that still would not change a thing because our marriage still would not recognized by the federal government because of DOMA. It was Morris’ idea for us to be “married” in New Zealand where, at that time, same-sex civil unions were recognized (marriage equality came recently to New Zealand).
Civil Union in New Zealand, February 26, 2010
After Morris returned to Te Aroha, we started discussing our plans to be together. Having learned that Morris starting a business in the US would be too great a challenge and that our New Zealand civil union would not be recognized by the US government for the purposes of allowing me to sponsor Morris for a green card, we decided that it would be best for me to pursue a New Zealand work visa/permit so I could join Morris in Te Aroha. It was a very difficult choice to make for both of us.
For Morris, he had already been mentally establishing himself in the US with me and started separating emotionally from his NZ home. For me, I had lived in San Francisco for most of my adult life, had a great job at The Gap Inc., sat on the board of a local fundraising non-profit called Grass Roots Gay Rights West and had a wide extended family that I was entrenched in and loved. Not only did Morris have to make the hard decision to stay where he was but I had to let go of all I had built around my life so we could be together because we knew that if we didn’t make a move to find a way to live together full-time that we couldn’t survive the long-distance struggles. Not only was the pain of being separated becoming greater with each trip but the costs of flying back and forth were mounting quickly (in the end it totaled over $20,000 that we’re still paying off).
But our love and dedication was too strong for us to continue living two lives, one when we were together and one apart.
It was during Morris’ next trip to the US through New Years into January 2010 that we started socializing my intention to leave. It was not taken well but because people knew we were so in love we got support from all my/our friends who would then help us through the process and support my visa application to NZ.
We had our Civil Union in Auckland on February 26, 2010 in the company of close friends from both the US and New Zealand. We then spent our honeymoon between Te Aroha, Sydney and Brisbane. Then in March of that year I submitted my NZ Visa application. Seven months later it was approved, and I have lived as a “DOMA exile” in New Zealand since that time.
I miss my family who live in Chicago and DC very much. I miss all my friends I still Skype with regularly and keep in touch with via Facebook (bless it). I have had friends die and not been able to attend their memorials, I have had other friends go through life-altering traumas like their homes burning down and facing disease and illness, but have only been able to support them from remotely. I have been trapped away from many of the people I love because of DOMA. We’re still getting a handle on the debt built up by our long-distance relationship and that has made it virtually impossible for us to go back to the US except for a quick trip I did in 2011. For Morris, he wants me to be happy and wants us to be able to return to our friends in the States and the loving community we are a part of. The only way this can happen is if DOMA falls and immigration laws allow me to sponsor my partner, the man I love, the man I gave up so much to be with. And for this reason we believe that we must all share our stories and bring DOMA to an end.
Gay U.S. Army Veteran Sacrifies Home and Financial Security, Uprooted and Forced into Exile By DOMA
- At May 16, 2013
- By Brad Mattan
- In Featured, Michael & Jay, News, Our Stories
- 6
Jay and I met in a chat room online back in 2009. For a year we simply chatted every day. Neither of us knew what the other even looked like until late 2009 when we decided to try Skype. From the very first day we chatted, Jay and I just clicked. In spite of the fact that Jay was from the Phillipines, we had a lot of the same dreams, likes, and values. In 2010, I scraped up all the money I could, and I flew for the very first time across the world to visit him. During the 15+ hour flight I was filled with anxiety and joy. I remember walking out of the airport at night, looking for Jay among so many others waiting there in the darkness. I remember spotting him. He was jumping up and down. Needless to say, we were elated! For the very first time, we were able to hold each other’s hand, put our arms around each other, and kiss (in privacy of course!). The two weeks were wonderful and time flew by. Soon, we were faced with saying goodbye.
It hurts me so much to remember that day. I will only say that nobody should have to feel that way. After about 6 months, we planned a second trip. This time we traveled to Jay’s hometown on Panay Island. After those two weeks, we were once again faced with the a painful series of goodbyes. I remember trying to not make a big deal about it. I thought that maybe just a hug and get going would be easier. No, it wasn’t. We embraced each other so very tight. We never wanted to let each other go. Even after we let go, I couldn’t stop turning back to see him. The final goodbye was a hand wave. Jay was on one side of security and I was on the other. I began to lose it; I started to cry intensely, all the while trying to hide myself from view.
When I returned home, Jay and I knew one thing. We couldn’t be apart any longer. Because Jay is from the Phillipines, he must apply for a visitor’s visa at a U.S. Consulate or Embassy to even visit the U.S. In developing countries like the Phillipines, visitor visa applicants face the burden of proving they do not intend to remain in the U.S. Generally, only the most privileged of Filipinos are able to provide sufficient evidence of ties to their country to get a visitor visa to the U.S. Sadly, Jay is not so fortunate. So, I started to do what I had to do. Within a week, I announced to my family that I was moving to the Philippines to be with Jay. I couldn’t help but explain myself over and over again, as to why I had to go. In the next 3 months, I sold everything I owned. I sold my small house, my car, and nearly all other possessions at yard sales. I also left my government job with the U.S. Army. The hardest part of all was saying goodbye to my family. My adult daughter was distraught with disbelief that I was forced to leave my own country. To this day, she is still overcome by my leaving. My parents, who are both in their late 70s, hugged me goodbye with tears in their eyes and hope in their hearts. Though it was difficult to uproot myself from my country, I was so driven to be with the person I loved with all my heart and soul. There were no doubts, no looking back.
Michael and Jay’s house in the Phillipines
Since June 2012, Jay and I have lived together in a small concrete house surrounded by farmland. Here in the Phillipines, we have little financial security. Earning just $200 per month is not very assuring if either of us has a serious injury or health complication. I am in my 40s, so my government veteran’s pension is still more than a decade away.
Last December, we had an opportunity to Skype with my family back in the U.S. who were celebrating Christmas. It was so so difficult for me. With exception of my mom, my family was seeing Jay for the very first time. As much as I know that my family loves me, words cannot describe how empty I feel without them. In many ways, it seems as though they are moving on with their lives, busy, as is life in the U.S. Every day, we hope and pray that DOMA will go away. My daughter is getting married in September 2013 to her best friend and life partner. As much as I’ve tried to explain and emphasize why I had to leave and be here with Jay, it is still very difficult for her to deal with the fact that I left. I am not sure there is a better example of how negatively DOMA has affected us. If it weren’t for DOMA, Jay and I could share our lives together surrounded by the love of my family and friends. Fortunately, Jay and I live a few miles from his mother, sister and brother and we have their love and support. Without them, it would be that much tougher.
As I sit and write this story, I am torn. I am torn between loving a person so very much and a family that is a world away. Every day I try to be the best partner I can. Some days are not fair to Jay, as I sob with homesickness. Yesterday, Jay told me for the first time, that my unhappiness was showing in my face and spirit. While we cried and held each other’s hands, he said too me that he loves me so much. He doesn’t want to see me hurting anymore. If I could no longer go on here, I would need to return home, and he would have to let me go. I cannot begin to even remotely tell you how sad this has made me. We sobbed endlessly. I never wanted our relationship to come to this. I told Jay that I will would never leave him even if it meant living in an unfamiliar country, so very far from my family.
Emerging from our tears, we have learned not to lose hope. I would never wish our circumstances on anyone. That being said, we have been challenged to grow and love during this time of great insecurity. Our love for each other continues to grow. As a result, we feel empowered to reach out and help others by sharing our story. No American should be forced into these circumstances.
In my service to this country, I learned the value of looking out for one another. I hope that you’ll do your part by sharing our story or even by sharing your own. In doing so, we continue to build pressure and awareness of the immeasurable harm that DOMA continues to cause to binational gay and lesbian families, harms that must cease the minute DOMA is eliminated. Jay and I and the thousands of other gay and lesbian binational couples deserve no less.
Mindi and Bev: A Love Story That Began Almost Three Decades Ago, Continues With a Fight to Be Together in the U.S.
- At May 15, 2013
- By The DOMA Project
- In Featured, Mindi & Bev, News, Our Stories
- 6
Mindi and Bev
We first met almost 28 years ago, when I was a college exchange student in London and Bev was on her young adult walk-about off that big island called Australia. We met on a month-long tour through Europe before my semester began. While atop the 7000-foot high Mt. Pilatus in Switzerland, Bev and I stumbled upon a cave on a fateful moonlit summer night. It was an idyllic evening with the moon shining into the cave. That was a life changing moment that would come to impact both of our lives in more ways than we ever imagined. We fell in love at that time and didn’t want our romance abroad to end.
London 1985
Bev ditched her friends with whom she was going to continue traveling and extended her leave from work just to stay with me in London. It was devastating to experience that first departure when Bev had to return to Australia that winter. Each and every separation that would come thereafter was no easier.
Rome 1985
After completing my semester in London, I returned to my college and family in New Jersey, with a heavy heart without Bev. We wrote long letters to each other every day, and had to wait around one week to receive each letter through the post. There was no Internet, no Skype, and no texting in existence for us at that time. We each had stacks of letters and cassette tapes of us talking to each other. We spent a fortune on phone bills as we were insistent on being able to at least talk to each other for an hour every other week.
A whole year went by before we were able to see each other again. Bev scrimped and saved enough to be able to come visit me in New Jersey a year later for three months. I was still a college student, working part-time, and we simply appreciated just being able to be together over those three months. I tried to get Bev the “white Christmas” she had always dreamed of by planning our Christmas in Boston. Doesn’t it always snow up there around Christmas? Apparently not; it rained, and that didn’t even matter in the end since we got to spend Christmas together. From Boston, we went on to see our nations’ capital for New Year’s. It did snow there, just a bit late for Christmas. Our last few weeks together were then spent in San Francisco and Hawaii. It was in Hawaii when we parted again for another devastating separation. Bev went back to her job in Australia, and I returned back to college life in NJ.
While we were very much in love, we weren’t able to work out a way for us to be together permanently. The letters and phone calls continued on for another several years. A point finally came when we had to just stop contact altogether, just to keep our then separate lives somewhat functional.
17 years passed by without any contact between us. We each had moved on and, in the process, we had lost track of each other. I was at work one Monday in late 2009 when I had to retrieve a personal email from my cell phone. I nearly fell off my chair when I saw a Facebook email from Bev in my inbox. I was not really a Facebook user at all; my profile on Facebook included a photo of a dog, and in fact, I put a profile on Facebook only because of my 13 year-old niece. As it turned out, Bev wasn’t a Facebook user either. She ventured on just to search for me. She wasn’t sure if she found the right person, but she last knew that I was living in San Francisco, and she knew I loved dogs (my profile photo). Her email message was somewhat encrypted with references that only I would recognize. She wanted to make sure she found the right one. She did. My heart pounded all day and I was completely unproductive at work. The emails started and then the phone calls. We were both able to really appreciate the technological upgrades that had taken place over the years. Many years had gone by, but the one thing that never left either one of us was that burning feeling inside for each other.
New Jersey 1986
We started talking about planning our in person reunion. It was my turn to go to her country this time. When we tried to figure out the timing, I thought we should wait out the next seven months so we could celebrate our birthdays together for our first time, which are one day apart. My ulterior motive (not shared with Bev at the time) was that I really wanted to lose some weight before seeing the love of my life again for the first time after not seeing her for 23 years. Bev was exasperated and was not about to wait seven months for our reunion. I relented and agreed to three months. I was going to meet Bev in Sydney around Mardi Gras. I was lucky to be able to get a month off of work and go half way around the world to reunite with Bev after 23 years. The flight and getting through customs seemed to take forever. I finally got through when Bev, at a petite 5’1”, leaped over the barrier and ran up to me with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a stretch limousine waiting, along with a chilled bottle of champagne inside the limo. That was the first time we saw each other; we had not used Skype during the months we were back in touch and we only exchanged a couple of current photos of each other. We spent two weeks in Australia and two weeks traveling around the South Island of New Zealand. We had to keep pinching each other to make sure this was all really happening.
Bev was able to take a leave of absence from her job and return to the U.S. with me. We were able to have a somewhat normal life as a couple in the U.S. for the next 15 months, but Bev then had to leave the country and return to Australia. We were apart again, working hard to find a way to get Bev back to our home in the U.S. We were able to get another visa for her to return five months later. While we could more easily set up our home in Australia together as Bev can sponsor me as her partner, my parents are getting older, while Bev’s parents are deceased, so it made sense for us to settle down in the U.S. It would be much better for us to be able to get legally married and for me to sponsor Bev for a green card as my spouse, than to rely on a temporary work visa. We do feel lucky that we are together, and we know we will be together for the rest of our lives, wherever that might be.
The point for us is that destiny is too strong to get in the way of us being together at this point, wherever we are in the world. We have learned that love has no borders and neither DOMA nor the U.S. government will come in between our love. We feel it is important to share our story, because we too have struggled since 2009 to find a way to be together and build a home in this country. Brick by brick we are dismantling discrimination by sharing our stories.
Together for 25 Years Through Thick and Thin, Marie and Leigh Share Their Story: Why We Must Defeat DOMA
- At May 14, 2013
- By The DOMA Project
- In Featured, Marie & Leigh, News, Our Stories
- 0
Marie & Leigh
I am Marie, a US citizen in a domestic partnership with my Canadian life partner, Leigh. Though many see us as “married,” we legally cannot marry in California, and even if we could our marriage would not be recognized by the federal government. Each year we hope that this is the year we’ll finally be able to marry and have our relationship fully recognized so that, as a citizen, I can sponsor my wife for a green card, just as other American citizens are able to.
I was raised in a sleepy suburb of Los Angeles’ San Fernando Valley during the 1960s and 1970s. During this time, I was unaware of the discrimination that was prevalent toward gays and lesbians. I felt an attraction to a female friend when I was a girl, but knew somehow I could not mention this. I remember my older brother telling me, that two girls kissing each other was wrong and illegal. Hence, my first lesson of living in the shadows.
As I grew up and moved out on my own and entered the work force, I was drawn to and worked in non-traditional work for women in the mid-1970s. I worked in various positions of Shipping and Warehouse Management and have progressed into Logistics Analysis.
During the 1980s, I became aware of and got involved with the gay community. I was heavily involved with a group that helped gays and lesbians with the coming out process. I was involved first as a participant and then became a facilitator for leading discussion groups to help assist individuals with issues in coming out. During this time, “coming out” meant coming out to your family, not necessarily the world. I was still very deep in the closet where the rest of the world was concerned. I came out to my mother and sister and younger brother and though it was rough at first, my family began to understand and embrace me. After Leigh and I met and became a couple, my family embraced her as a member of our family. Leigh’s family accepted me fully as well. Her brother and his family come down from Canada and stay with us on their vacations as we are not able to cross the border into Canada to visit them.
Before I met Leigh, I had been in two gay relationships — one of eight years and one of two years duration. And though those relationships were meaningful I did not know or realize what real love was until Leigh and I became a couple. I had never met any binational couples before and was not aware of the restrictions they lived under. Yet I knew that when Leigh told me of these restrictions, there was nothing that could or would deter me from living the rest of my life with her. She is my life.
Disneyland 1990
While I was growing up in California, Leigh grew up in Vancouver, BC, Canada, within a strict Mennonite community. Her father was a rigid fundamentalist minister. In high school, she excelled in the arts and dreamed of attending art school. Her father believed art was not a “real career” and pressed her to attend bible school, as all of her relatives did. After winning a fine arts scholarship in 1976, Leigh began saving and planning to attend school for a career in the arts.
In 1979, Leigh entered the United States on a student visa. She attended design school and worked part-time. During this time, she met her first gay partner and learned very quickly that gays and lesbian were not treated equally as heterosexual couples. She naively assumed they could legally marry and was shocked to learn that not only was marriage out of the question, she was not to admit under any circumstances to being gay during immigration interviews. A co-worker recommended an immigration attorney, and Leigh sought his assistance. The attorney recommended applying for one year of practical training after graduation, and a retainer was put in place. As graduation approached, Leigh attempted to reach the attorney repeatedly with no success. She learned that no paperwork had been submitted and battled to have the retainer fee returned.
With her student visa about to expire, Leigh consulted a second attorney. He recommended “laying low” and remaining in the U.S. until amnesty was available. He also made sexual advances toward her.
In 1980, Leigh and her then partner suffered a home invasion and attempted rape. They chose to go to Canada together, where Leigh could work and save for a 4-year college education. In 1981, Leigh visited the U.S. Consulate in Vancouver, where she learned that a Bachelor’s Degree was needed for her to qualify for a work visa as a “skilled worker.” During this time, Leigh’s partner suffered tremendous depression due to prolonged separation from her family. She returned to the U.S. to be with her family. Leigh followed six months later with a second visa.
After another year of school, funds dwindled and her second visa was set to expire. In 1983, she decided to remain in the United States to stay with her partner. These are the types of decisions binational couples are forced to make. Many of these decisions remain secretive and hardships remain unknown. Binational couples face a lack of freedom that affects both partners and their families.
Christmas 1991
Leigh and I met almost 30 years ago in Los Angeles and became fast friends. Five years later, after both our relationships ended, we began dating. Leigh was very nervous about the transition, fearing that if it didn’t work out, she would lose her best friend. Her fears were well founded as two of her previous gay relationships had folded, mostly due to the added stressors binational couples face. I, on the other hand, felt very optimistic believing we could have our friendship and a loving, romantic relationship – the best of both worlds. I knew within me that my love for her was so strong that nothing could come between us. I’m happy to say that, 25 years later, I was right.
In the mid-80s, I met Leigh and her partner at the time during various community functions. My partner at the time and I invited them over for dinner. Her partner and my partner had been in a previous relationship. Talk about a tangled web. Somehow, Leigh and I got stuck cooking the dinner while the two “exes” took a walk down memory lane. While preparing dinner, Leigh and I connected immediately and a friendship began. We lived and worked in the same vicinity and began carpooling. You get to know a person really well when you’re stuck in L.A. traffic during rush hour on a daily basis.
After Leigh’s relationship ended, she moved in with a friend. Though she no longer lived in the same vicinity, our friendship deepened. I would drive over to visit her on a daily basis and we would talk for hours. During this time both of us realized our feelings for each other were fast changing. By the end of November 1987, we were a couple. One and a half years later, we decided to make the move and live together.
We continued attending community events with friends, most of whom were unaware of the secret we held – that Leigh was a foreign national living in the shadows. It’s like living in a double closet. We joined a gay L.A. couples group and participated in many activities such as manning the booth during Christopher Street West celebrations and marching in the Pride parade. We attended many meetings and donated some of our lesbian artwork to raise funds for the organization. We served as the Hospitality Couple in the first year and the following year were nominated as Vice Chaircouple.
Leigh shared her past experience with me, she told me that being in a relationship and loving a binational spouse is extremely difficult. Every couple faces tough times, but the added fear and stress a binantional couple faces can be back breaking. I, ever the optimist, would not be deterred. I knew we were tenacious and determined, and would remain together in spite of the obstacles.
In the 1980s, an amnesty program was signed into law. We consulted with legal aides at a free clinic in Los Angeles, where we were disappointed to learned Leigh was 6 months shy of the date in order to qualify. She had not been “continuously illegal” during the law’s time frame.
In spite of not qualifying, our relationship continued to flourish and our families supported us. We always remained hopeful that one day we could legally marry and this nightmare would be over. It always seemed just around the corner.
Through the years, we repeatedly consulted legal counsel. They all told us the same thing: that there was nothing they could do unless we could legally marry or immigration reform would pass Congress.
By 1990, it had been seven years since Leigh had seen her family. We received a surprise call from her brother informing us that he was coming down and bringing Mum in tow. We had a great time showing them around Hollywood, traveling to the beach and just spending endless hours talking and reconnecting.
Wedding Day 1995
Throughout the 1990s we continued to take every step possible to validate our relationship. In 1993, when the City of West Hollywood offered the first Certificates of Domestic Partnership, we jumped at the opportunity. In August of that year, we received our Certificate of Domestic Partnership from the first city in southern California to do so. It felt like one step closer to marriage.
On November 27, 1995 we celebrated our eighth anniversary with a commitment ceremony lead by a legal minister. Invitations were sent, vintage wedding gowns purchased, and a friend offered their home for the ceremony. While my family was able to attend, Leigh’s family was unable to due to her Mum’s health and inability to travel at the time. We had written our own vows and said our “I dos”. Unlike heterosexual couples, however, we did not receive the Marriage Certificate after the ceremony. We did, however, enjoy a wonderful 3-day honeymoon in Laguna as a wedding gift from our closest friends.
In July 1996, we flew to Seattle with two friends and drove into western Canada, so Leigh could visit her mother. Leigh’s Mum had supported her since she came out in 1980 and consoled her when she learned that DOMA had been signed into law.
In 1997, Leigh’s Mum visited us, her second trip to California. Leigh’s Mum always treated me like a second daughter and would send us greeting cards to remember our anniversary and birthdays. During that visit, Leigh’s Mum wept with joy at the sight of the wedding gowns we kept.
Christmas 2002
In 1998, beyond our wildest dreams and imaginations, we were able to purchase a home together. This was one of the greatest joys of our relationship, the ability to nest as other couples did. We gardened, we decorated, we entertained and held family gatherings for the holidays. This was another step for us to be closer to marriage.
In 2001, I had to travel to New York for company business. It was a trip I did not want to make. It was in August, and my flight was originally scheduled to return on Tuesday, September 11th. I insisted with my employer at the time that I had to return before this date to attend classes that were starting on that same date. Prior to the trip, I directed Leigh on where the insurance policies were, I signed multiple checks in the event she needed funds, and told her that if anything happened to me she was to file a wrongful death suit. Little did I know that, because our relationship wasn’t recognized legally and DOMA prevented federal recognition, Leigh would never have been able to file a lawsuit had something happened to me. I was fortunate that I returned on Friday before the tragic event of 9/11. After that, we made an appointment with an attorney for Power of Attorney over medical decisions and finances.
After 9/11, the world changed for everyone and we were impacted as well. We understood the need for security but began to live a more fearful life. With security tightening around the country, Leigh’s mobility was limited because, rightly or wrongly, we feared heightened scrutiny. We felt our world grow smaller and were feeling more isolated from Leigh’s family. We learned of ICE raids within our area that tore families apart, children came home from school and no one was there. Husbands and wives waited for their spouses to come home, but they did not come. I became concerned for Leigh while I was at work. My sister and brother-in-law gave us a security door for Christmas. Lack of mobility also meant that Leigh could no longer drive. She decided the risk of being pulled over was too great. Today, an appointment 15 minutes away by car takes Leigh 1 ½ hours by bus. She relies on others for rides. It’s a forced dependency she hates. We are so fortunate to have a wonderful inner circle of friends who understand our situation and offer their support in any way. One of our friends calls it “circling the wagons.”
In July of 2003, we registered as Domestic Partners in the State of California. Again, this felt like one step closer to marriage and gave us a bit of hope.
Leigh’s Mum had suffered many health problems. With travel impacted, Leigh feared her status would not be resolved before her mother died. In 2006, Leigh received the phone call every daughter dreads. Her brother, a fire fighter, had found her mother collapsed on the floor. She was rushed to ICU. Leigh consulted another immigration attorney, who told her she could visit Canada but not return to the United States. She said goodbye to her Mum via cell phone. Leigh felt like a failed daughter and fell into a depression at the loss of her mother. Not able to be at her Mum’s deathbed or in attendance at her funeral, or to help her brother in person during this time was too much for her to bear.
It was during this time that the Congress was voting on immigration reform. Again, we hoped for humane change. Every time a vote would approach, Leigh would dust off her years of documentation in preparation to file.
Leigh sent a compassionate plea via postcard to every member of the United States Senate. She wrote: “I could not hold my Mother’s hand to comfort her. I could not be at her side to say good-bye. The Senate returns on the day of my Mother’s funeral, which I cannot attend. Crossing borders could ban me from the U.S., the country I love. I work hard, pay taxes, and contribute to society. I want to come out of the shadows. For years I have hoped to see my Mother one last time. I prayed for humane immigration reform that would allow me to earn my legalization. We are one of many families separated by fear. Please remember me and honor my Mother when you vote on immigration reform.”
For so many years, we hoped that DOMA would be overturned so we could legally marry and I could sponsor my wife, as most other citizens do. We contemplated living in exile in Canada, where I as a US citizen have more rights in Canada as Leigh’s legal partner/wife than I have in my own country. Leigh insisted that we stay in California and not pull me away from my family. She knew what separation felt like.
Though we have been dealt some legal blows as a gay couple, those blows do not divide us. In spite of all of the laws that have come out to hold us back as a gay couple, it has not stopped us from loving each other, from being committed to each other. If anything, our bond and our commitment to each other grows stronger. During times when it has been difficult or when an unfavorable legal decision comes out, I confirm to Leigh that that’s OK, no matter what, we’re still here, we’re still together.
For over twenty-five years we have clung to the rocks, waiting for DOMA to be overturned or immigration reform which would include keeping gay families together. We have consulted, planned, hoped, had hopes dashed, read countless articles, met with attorneys, and done everything we could. Even though DOMA currently restricts us, we remain hopeful. Inclusion of LGBT families in comprehensive immigration reform, under debate now in Congress, is so critical. Gay families must be treated equally and not be torn apart. DOMA hurts families in far reaching ways. Anyone who knows what we have been through for the past 25 years would know immediately that all families are the same, that all love is the same, and the our immigration laws that are meant to protect us and keep us together must work for all of us.
We are grateful for the love we share. Each workday morning when we get ready for work, we say to each other, “You’re my everything. You’re my life.”
We feel incredibly blessed to have each other. We are incredibly grateful for this gift and this opportunity to share our story alongside all the other binational couples who have joined The DOMA Project.
Mother’s Day Present for North Carolina Lesbian Couple: BIA Rejects USCIS “DOMA Denial” of Green Card Petition
Just before Mother’s Day this North Carolina family learned that the Board of Immigration Appeals (BIA) rejected the denial of the marriage-based green card petition they had filed last year. The BIA sent the case back to the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) Field Office in Charlotte, North Carolina for further processing with orders to conduct complete fact-finding, including an interview, to determine whether they would be eligible for a green card if not for Section 3 of DOMA. This is the thirteenth time that a married same-sex binational couple, participating in The DOMA Project’s pro bono legal challenge to DOMA, has received a “remand” from the BIA after the USCIS denied their green card case because of DOMA. The DOMA Project has filed 45 appeals filed on behalf of married lesbian and gay couples never once has the BIA ever upheld the denial of a green card petition by USCIS. All the appeals that have been decided to date have ordered the USCIS to re-open the cases and fully process them to determine eligibility, clearly anticipating, it would seem, a post-DOMA future.
Ruling by the Board of Immigration Appeals, rejecting the denial of the marriage-based green card petition filed by Becky and Sanne
Becky, Sanne and their daughter Willow live in Asheville, North Carolina. They first joined The DOMA Project in July 2011 when they shared their incredible, moving story, “Ten Trips, a Wedding and a Daughter: Exiled Binational Couple Finds a New Life in Belgium.” In 2012, Becky and Sanne settled down to a life in North Carolina. They married and filed a green card petition on the basis of their marriage. They also participated in our short film series, “Love Stories: Binational Couples on the Front Lines of DOMA,” which was produced by The DOMA Project in collaboration with Brynn Gelbard and the DeVote Campaign. (Read more about our collaboration on this series here.)
So what is next for Becky , Sanne and Willow? As the BIA has rejected the denial of their green card petition, they anxiously await news from the Charlotte, North Caroline Field Office of USCIS and hope that their long-awaited marriage-based green card interview will take place next month just in time to coincide with a ruling from the Supreme Court striking down DOMA for good. We wish Becky and Sanne a Happy Mother’s Day!
Missing Husband: David and Jason Spend Their Sixth Anniversary Apart, Separated by 6,000 Miles and DOMA
- At May 13, 2013
- By Brad Mattan
- In David & Jason, Featured, News, Our Stories
- 35
On May 12, 2007, I sat in a restaurant in West Hollywood swearing off men forever after a string of bad relationships. That was until my future husband walked in.
My friend James noticed my distraction, took the lonely stranger’s plate and sat him at our table, directly opposite me. For 2 hours we ate, drank and laughed. In one meal, I had gone from having lost all interest in dating to hitting it off with a guy who I may as well have designed myself.
Jason was visiting Los Angeles at the end of a 6-week trip across North America. I spent 3 days showing him the city, before he was due to flew out to New Zealand to continue his travels. Our whirlwind few days were up and it was time for our first airport goodbye. We both felt a weird difficulty that you just don’t get after hanging out with a stranger for 3 days. We knew it was something special.
Jason and David
For the rest of Jason’s travels, for the rest of that year, and for the 6 years since, we have spoken every day. As I arrive at my office in LA Jason gets home from work in the UK. We get online and chat right through the day until he has to go to sleep. Sadly, this long distance communication is avoidable and our separation is down to the divisive and immoral Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA).
President Bill Clinton signed DOMA into law in September 1996. It denies millions of Americans over 1,100 rights, and has kept us and thousands of other same-sex, bi-national couples separated on birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and countless other occasions that we should be sharing together. And that’s all we’re asking for – to be together.
DOMA means that legal gay marriages are not recognized federally and are not enough to bring foreign spouses of gay Americans to the US. Jason isn’t welcome to the US as a Husband and has only ever been able to visit for a maximum 90 days as a tourist.
Jason has been warned for 2 years that he has visited the US too often using tourist visa waivers. It’s currently recommended that he wait 6 months before returning, or he may be denied entry as a visitor.
What most people don’t realize is that when Jason has landed, whether or not he is allowed out of LAX airport is at the discretion of the Customs and Border Protection officer. The past 2 years he has been taken aside to a small interview room, interrogated and had his luggage searched by officers suspecting he is lying about his reasons for visiting. They scoff at any explanation of the years of difficulties he’s had obtaining a visa, replying “it’s not that hard”.
This is why the days leading up to his return are always filled with dread. In the run up to his visit, friends and family say, “…you must be so excited! I bet you can’t wait to see him!” which is true. But behind those conversations, all I can think about is the terrifying hour (or 2, or 3) after his plane lands and whether or not he’ll make it past customs and out of the airport.
Thankfully, DOMA and all of this stress could be history by the end of June. The Supreme Court heard arguments against the law on March 27. Our fate is now in the hands of 9 Justices who will decide whether or not to strike down DOMA. We should know on or around June 27. If the court does not strike it down then we have little hope of being able to start a life together in the United States and may be forced to join the many Americans living in exile with their partners across the world.
In a country that has proclaimed since 1776 that ‘all men are created equal’ I feel rejected. I have been put through so much pain, for so long, and I don’t know how many more goodbyes I have in me.
Goodbyes at LAX airport are always the worst, but the silent drive home is a close second. An overwhelming, and avoidable sadness sets in, and knowing it’s not going to go away for months fills my head with bitterness and anger. Fighting these emotions is a constant battle when Jason’s not here. Imagine sharing the most incredible 3 months with your perfect companion, filling every spare hour with fun, only for that person to be ripped from your arms and flown over 5000 miles away from you for an indefinite amount of time.
It was a cruel coincidence that in March, what could be Jason’s last 90-day tourist visa waiver expired on the day the Supreme Court heard arguments against the Defense of Marriage Act. If goodbyes weren’t difficult enough, we had a constant news flow the whole day, reminding us of the pain we were about to endure. And are enduring today.
Before we were married this past September, neither Jason nor I thought we could get any closer. But as I sit here alone writing this, and as Jason sends me the latest version of our ‘goodbye’ video, I realize it put a fight in us. A fight fuelled by having a rooftop wedding in New York that did nothing to help our situation. It’s through the difficult times that we like to remind ourselves that despite it’s cruel intentions, DOMA has only made us even closer.
In the next few days we will find out if Jason’s 3-year H-1B work visa has been approved or denied. We’ve now been separated, waiting for this outcome for over a month. Even if it were approved the visa term wouldn’t begin until October, meaning that whether as a spouse, a tourist or with a work visa, Jason is unable to enter the US for 6 months and with a full time job I can only visit him for a 2 week vacation. We were in the exact same position last year and we just can’t go through that again, and we won’t. It’s not getting easier. Only harder. But no country, no law will stop the two of us from loving each other. And that’s what carries us through.
When we met in that restaurant in 2007 we had no idea that we would spend the rest of our lives together, and apart. We had no idea that there would ever be an issue with Jason moving here and us being together. How naïve were we to believe that two people could fall in love and live their life in peace? When Jason began making plans to move here, it became clear that it was not our decision. And that simply isn’t fair.
It’s time to defeat DOMA.
UPDATE: David and Jason learned days before their 6th year anniversary that Jason’s H-1B work visa petition had been rejected. David and Jason once again spent their anniversary apart, with no way of knowing when they will see each other again.
It’s time to repeal DOMA.
Learn more about our story here.
