Love Defines Marriage: The Fairytale Romance of Yajaira & Licia, Childhood Friends Reunited and Exiled in Brazil

Living in Brazil there are endless possibilities of what could happen to you.  Not knowing, as I walk down my street towards the market, if I will be hit with a rock or even shot… But with my life right now those are my fears, that is what I face everyday doing errands. Not because I’m a foreigner, but because I’m a lesbian and living in exile with the woman I love.

My wife and I met in grade school while she was in the United States with her family. Her parents, with work visas, decided to provide their daughter with better opportunities in life. And that is how I met this short, rosy cheeked new girl in my 5th grade class, who would change my life forever. We liked the same things, the same music, had the same sense of humor, so we naturally became best friends.

We spent the next two years attached at the hip, learning more about each other, becoming closer.Our friendship opened up these feelings in us that we didn’t understand, but we felt an attraction and love that we never acted upon or spoke of. We did not want to ruin our friendship. This amazing chemistry would come to a halt when her parents had a business opportunity in another state.  Two years of friendship and unspoken love broken by distance, parents, and lack of ability to protest. We were only 12 years old, told by both our parents that we will meet new people and create new friendships, but we both knew this was different; this “friendship” was special and unforgettable. I knew I would never forget the feeling she gave me, the fulfillment she put in my heart. She was the one!

Twelve years later, with the power of internet and the boom of social networking, an e-mail comes through from a familiar face and my heart just knew. It was her. She was my best friend, and, as I came to realize, she was the love of my life. I knew at that point things were going to change. I was not going to let us be separated this time. Through lots and lots of e-mails, we both revealed to each other that we were lesbians; it was as thought those twelve year-old girls finally revealed their hidden feelings. I thought “this is amazing, this is the way it was supposed to be.”  Two people torn apart; reunited. I was ready to continue our journey together, as was she. So excited to see her, I asked her where she was living now, as I was dialing the number to get the first flight out. The message came through, my heart sank and I hung up the phone. Brazil.

I learned that a few years after she had moved to Florida, a family member of hers in Brazil was severely hurt in a car accident and her parents rushed home to be with the family. After some time living in Brazil, her father realized he didn’t want to go back to the U.S. He had missed his family so much and his mother was falling ill, he made the choice for the family to stay in Brazil permanently.

I had a difficult decision to make. Do I enter this new relationship knowing there would be so much distance and expensive traveling? Although the decision was difficult, I also knew I couldn’t let her go again. So I got my passport and visa and hopped on a flight to Brazil.

Our relationship blossomed into something beautiful. I traveled to visit a handful of times. I was able to reconnect with her family and meet all her friends and co-workers. During one of my visits, and with my mom’s blessing, I decided to ask her to marry me, which she accepted happily. We had decided on a date and what our colors would be and all the great things that we were to look forward to when planning a wedding. Little did we know about what stood in the way of our happiness. I looked into getting a petition for my wife and went on the website for the United States Consulate to see what paperwork and fees I had to take care of. There on the site it clearly stated the definition of marriage was (and still is), “between a man and a woman”. I was hurt, disappointed and stumped. I didn’t understand how my country could do this to me. How after all that the U.S. has been through, it could be so closed minded to the marriages between gay and lesbian couples. I spoke with my (now) fiancée and told her about what I read. Everything we had planned on was suddenly shattered and we were stuck like this, her in Brazil and me in New York. We both did more research online about this law, “DOMA,” and realized until the U.S. joined other countries in Europe and South America we would have to live like this. Either apart or in exile. But either way, we knew our love for each other would see us through.

We made a choice to live in Brazil together as a civil union couple, the first in our town. As a civil union couple I have all the rights to stay and live here as a permanent resident, but the dangers and prejudice we both face are severe. My wife, who is a teacher, risks losing her job because she is a lesbian.  We are mocked and looked at with disgust in the streets when we are together. We fear what people in our town and in Brazil could do to us.  Although the civil union bill and marriage bill has been passed here, the protection of the gay and lesbian people is not enforced nor carried out.

We face many risks, but we face them bravely together. My Brazilian, civil-union-wife dreams of going home to the U.S., where she grew up starting at 4 years old. I dream of going to my home with her, to be with my family, my little brothers and sisters. I dream of my family finally meeting her and the two of us having a happy marriage. We are a loving binational couple waiting in exile for the rights we are entitled to, like every other American citizen who falls in love outside his or her country. I deserve the right to sponsor my wife and bring her home with me because I am a U.S. citizen and I believe in the respect of marriage between two people in love.

This is our story. Our story is filled with hope and love and faith.  It is faith that one day, with a lot of patience and by participating in efforts like this one, by telling our story, that our dreams will come true.  Because it’s love that defines marriage, not government.

After Ten Years, Lesbian Couple in Delaware is Forced Apart, and Two Sons Are Separated from One of Their Mothers

On January 4, 2012, Jacky and Melody became the first couple in Kent County to enter into a Civil Union and were featured in the local press. Three days later, Jacky was forced to leave the US. (Delaware State News/Dave Chambers)

Until recently, I lived with my partner Melody together at our Delaware home. However, were are now forced to live apart after being together for ten years, because we are a bi-national same-sex couple living in a world that seems incapable of accomodating us and treating us equally. Because of the Defense of Marriage Act, Melody is 3,500 miles away from me and there isn’t anything I can do about it – until DOMA is struck down or repealed – unless the U.S. government implements some policy changes to keep our family together.

Melody and I met back in 2002 on line and we hit it off right from the start. We decided to meet in person and proceeded to do a lot of back-and-forth traveling for a while. But as our relationship was developing, we ultimately decided that it would be easier for me to go to the United States to live with Melody. That is where my story begins. I gave up everything I had in the U.K. for Melody. I sold my house, my car, and anything else that I couldn’t bring on the plane. I remember telling myself that it would all be worth it, and of course, it was. I arrived on a student visa, which would allow me to stay with Melody for quite a while, so you could only imagine my excitement.

After arriving in the U.S. our relationship together was blossoming, and we became very close with one another. I knew I was blessed to be able to be living with Melody, and we were even more blessed to be parents. Melody and I are parents to our two young boys: our oldest is 13, and our youngest is 10. At that point things were going wonderfully, and after a few years of living happily as a family, we decided to have a commitment ceremony in August of 2005.

M & J

Unfortunately, a little while after, my sister in the U.K. became extremely ill and suddenly passed away while I was in the United States. That’s when I was needed to come home to attend to my family in the U.K. However, when I made the difficult decision to leave the U.S., Melody and I knew that we were putting everything at risk, that I may not be able to get back.  But, still, I had no choice — I had to leave. Luckily, I was able to come back under the visa waiver program. I tried to renew my student visa, but the cost of further education, after already completing three degrees, was just too much. Due to the poor state of the economy, and the recession, full-time employment in order for me to get a work visa was another no-go. So I was forced to leave after just nine months — I had no other options to stay.

Upon returning to the U.K, I was quickly faced with the reality that I had almost nothing left to return to. I was forced to start from scratch, to find a place to live, to find a job, and all the while my family in Delaware struggled on without me.

I was only able to stay with her for nine wonderful years before I was forced to leave knowing that I might not ever be able to come back. Unfortunately, although we wanted to, we didn’t marry out of fear that it would interfere with my visa status. But now, I regret not marrying Melody during all those years, because it makes it that much harder for either of us to sponsor each other for citizenship in either country should the opportunity arise.

As we try to mend our situation we’ve made some long term plans. We decided that Melody and the boys will come live in the U.K. with me. Melody, an American citizen, will be forced to leave her family and all the things that she knows all because of DOMA. Sadly, we have no idea how much time that will take and until we can be together, Melody has to do everything for our family. Melody is forced to support our family alone, and take on all the roles that I used to do to keep our family functioning and well. On top of all that, she has to sell our house, our belongings, and everything we have worked so hard to build together.

On my last night at our Delaware home I tucked our boys in bed and attempted to say goodnight to them. Our youngest kept telling me that he was tired, but didn’t want to go to sleep because he didn’t want the next day to come — the day I would board the plane to leave him. He kept asking me again and again why I had to leave and it broke my heart to try to explain. All my son could say was that he just couldn’t understand why the government would do this to us, and neither could I.

My two children have been heavily impacted by me leaving. Mel tells me that our youngest son cries at night, begging to be able to see me, and cries when Mel is forced to sell my belongings. Our eldest son can only see a future living in England, and it is all he talks about. Even at their ages, they recognize the unfairness of the situation that we are forced to be in, but we have no choice. There are no other options for us to be reunited as a family, and quite frankly, we never thought it would come to this.

One of our sons had an eye injury in 2009, and sees an optician regularly because of it. A day after his optician’s appointment a few weeks ago he went blind in his left eye. I had to learn of this over the phone: that our son could not see out of his injured eye. I’m 3,500 miles away and I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t hug Melody or my son and reassure everyone that it was going to be okay. I could not be there for them. Luckily, his eye healed and his vision returned. But could you imagine how I felt? I had a son that went blind overnight and I couldn’t be there for him.

There isn’t a day that goes by where I haven’t thought and cried about Melody’s situation back at home and our separation. I am homesick. I feel so helpless, and powerless, and that I should have been able to do something, but my reality revolves around DOMA, the discriminatory law that makes my family separated by 3,500 miles of land and sea and the law that squashed all our hopeful chances to get married in the past. But we aren’t afraid any more. Despite everything that’s happened already, I found myself looking forward to returning for a visit at Christmas. Melody and I planned to enter into a civil union in Delaware after the state’s new law went into effect on January 1. When we arrived at the clerk’s office for the ceremony last Thursday, we were greeted by the media: we didn’t realize that we would be the first same-sex couple to enter into a civil union in Kent County, Delaware!

But what remains so painful for us, as I now board the flight back to the U.K. leaving Melody and my sons behind, is that our relationship is not recognized by the U.S. government. I can be legally married to my spouse, but she cannot petition for me to be her legal spouse in the eyes of the federal government because DOMA. If it weren’t for DOMA, I wouldn’t be living in exiled separation from my partner and children. If it weren’t for DOMA, the tears of my children would not be shed, and if it weren’t for DOMA, I would be in Melody’s arms, and we would be whole family once again.

We urge everyone reading this to join this fight for equality to protect our families. Share your story, show policy makers, friends, family, neighbors and co-workers that we have the same concerns and the same aspirations as all other couples. This is especially true for those of us raising children. We must not let others define us, and we must fight back against laws that destroy our families.

 

 

 

CNN Interviews Mark Himes and Frédéric Deloizy About Their Green Card Case and Their Fight Against DOMA

Mark Himes and Frédéric Deloizy were interviewed today about their marriage-based “green card” application and their fight against DOMA on CNN Newsroom. Lavi Soloway, the couple’s attorney and co-founder of Stop The Deportations – The DOMA Project, responded to a statement by USCIS spokesman, Christopher Bentley, affirming the administration’s policy to enforce DOMA in immigration context.

Mark & Fred on CNN

Watch CNN interview with Mark Himes & Frédéric Deloizy and their attorney, Lavi Soloway

Mark and Frédéric also appeared on CNN on January 14th. View other videos by the DOMA Project couples on our Videos page.

CNN Features Mark and Fred, Binational Couple With Four Children, Who Applied For A Green Card, Fighting DOMA

CNN reports on Mark Himes and Frédéric Deloizy‘s struggle against DOMA.

Watch the video interview of Mark & Frédéric and their attorney, Lavi Soloway

 

With Two Days Left in Denver Pilot Program, Married Lesbian Couple Facing Deportation Waits Anxiously. Will Their Case Be Administratively Closed?

Sujey and Violeta Pando

A lesbian couple is sitting on the edge of their seats at home in Denver waiting for the telephone to ring. Right now, a call from federal immigration attorneys could bring to an end the nightmare Sujey and Violeta Pando have been living ever since Immigration and Customs Enforcement came into their lives in 2008. There are only two days left in the government’s ambitious plan to review all pending cases in the Denver Immigration Court for possible closure. Denver was chosen to be a Pilot Program city for the application of new humanitarian guidelines for closure of low-priority deportation cases. It is believed that the review of all pending cases is all but complete. And still this couple waits, hoping for good news.

Sujey, a citizen of Mexico, has been in a committed relationship with her U.S. citizen wife, Violeta, for more than six years. They married in 2010 in Iowa. Violeta cannot sponsor Sujey for a green card because the federal Defense of Marriage Act prevents recognition of their valid marriage for any federal purpose.

Sujey and Violeta Pando made headlines last August when they won a temporary reprieve from deportation. Denver Immigration Judge Mimi Tsankov postponed Sujey’s deportation hearing to January 2012. In November, the Department of Homeland Security announced that Denver would be one of two cities chose for a pilot program in which the DHS would review all pending deportation cases to close all low-priority cases and conserve agency resources by focusing on deporting those individuals who are a threat to public safety or have extensive criminal records.  When the pilot program was announced Sujey Pando’s case was temporary rescheduled to a date in 2014, pending review by the DHS-DOJ working group and local ICE attorneys.

For the last month, Sujey and Violeta have anxiously awaited word from ICE that their case had been reviewed. By the beginning of January they were getting very nervous. They are very aware that pilot program is due to end its review on January 13. “The date is marked on our calendar. It is a day that we dread, because we are afraid that if we do not hear from the Immigration and Customs Enforcement prosecutors by then, it means that they have decided to deport Sujey. We pray that they are just taking great care to read Sujey’s entire file and make the right decision, but we are losing sleep over it and our whole family asks every day whether there has been news.”

Determined to take a more proactive approach, the Pandos worked closely with their attorney, Lavi Soloway, who compiled a large submission of evidence and made a formal request for “prosecutorial discretion” to the Office of Chief Counsel in Denver on January 7. The 76-page submission details why Ms. Pando, who has lived in the United States since she was forced to flee Mexico as a teenager 17 years ago, should be granted humanitarian relief and have her deportation case closed under new guidelines issued by the Obama administration that are meant to protect all families, including lesbian and gay couples, who are under threat of being torn apart by deportation.  The Pandos and their attorney have also reached out to elected officials in Colorado to bring the case to the attention of the working group’s LGBT liaison in Washington, DC.

Under the June 17, 2011 memorandum from ICE Director John Morton, individuals in deportation proceedings would have their cases reviewed and closed if they were deemed to be “low priority” to permit the federal government to focus resource on immigrants that pose national security risks and public safety threats. Sujey Pando clearly meets many of the criteria set forth in those guidelines:

  • Length of Presence in the United States – Sujey has lived in the U.S. over 17 years, almost all that time in the Denver metropolitan area.
  • Circumstance of her Arrival – Sujey was brought to the U.S. as a minor to escape a lifetime of abuse in Mexico. Her flight from danger and young age both clearly weigh in her favor for the exercise of prosecutorial discretion.
  • Marriage to a U.S. Citizen – Sujey & Violeta have been in a loving relationship for over 6 years, and made a life-long commitment to one another when they married in 2010 in Iowa. (Since June when this memorandum was issued, the Obama Administration has clarified that prosecutorial discretion will take into account gay and lesbian binational couples, even if they federal government cannot legally recognize their marriages, due to the Defense of Marriage Act.)
  • Caretaker of an Individual with Serious Disabilities – Since 2005, Sujey has helped care for her long-time friend, who currently lives with Sujey and her wife. This friend was seriously injured in a workplace accident, and requires help in her day to day life. The care, support, assistance that Sujey provides to this U.S. citizen is a basis for the government recognizing that this case is a low priority and that Sujey should be permitted to remain in the U.S.
  • Ties to the Community – In addition to her wife and her friend Diane, Sujey has strong ties to her home of the last 17 years. Her in-laws, neighbors, friends and her landlord submitted affidavits attesting to her good moral character and the importance of having her in their lives. In addition, Sujey has volunteered and contributed to charities in her area. These facts all go to show that her true home is here with her wife, not anywhere else.
  • Participation in Civil Rights Advocacy: Additionally, Sujey’s participation in LGBT civil rights advocacy also weighs in her favor for cause to close her removal proceedings according to related departmental policy against deporting those involved in the fight for civil rights and civil liberties. It is not in the interest of justice for the United States to deport individuals who are involved in changing unjust and unconstitutional laws, especially for couples like Sujey & Violeta who would otherwise be permitted to pursue a marriage-based green card petition.

The Obama administration announced with great fan fare that it would implement a kinder, gentler deportation policy that would aim to keep families together, including LGBT families. The Department of Homeland Security noted that an LGBT liaison, Executive Secretary Philip A. McNamara, was made a member of the DHS-DOJ prosecutorial discretion working group to ensure that guidelines are applied in an inclusive and consistent manner. Sujey Pando’s case is a test of this administration’s promise to protect all families from being torn apart by deportation.

 

Showdown with DOMA: Mark & Fred Meet With USCIS and Fight for Their Family at Green Card Interview in Philadelphia

After 22 Years Together, Married Gay Couple With Four Adopted
Children Fights For Their Marriage And Their Family

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, Mark Himes & Frédéric Deloizy
Are on the Front Lines of The Fight Against DOMA

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Press Inquiries to attorney, Lavi Soloway , Masliah & Soloway, PC
Founder, Stop The Deportations – The DOMA Project
Phone 323-599-6915
Lavi.Soloway@Masliah-Soloway.com or
Derek.Tripp@StopTheDeportations.com

January 10, 2012 – NEW YORK, NEW YORK

When she wakes up on Wednesday, January 11, Claire, 8, will have a lot more to consider than the earrings she is wearing for school. Her ears were pierced as a Christmas present: a gift, she told her dad, that she had been waiting for her whole life. The Christmas tree is still up in her home, but the presents under it have all been unwrapped, and emptied, naturally. Her three brothers, John, Jacob, and Joshua, ages six through eleven, received a small arsenal of toys that have been played with and are already causing mayhem, posing tripping hazards in the hallway until Papa will offer to buy the toys back and tuck them away for safe-keeping or risk further neglect. On the surface, everything is as it should be. But John, Claire, Jacob, and Joshua are ordinary kids under extraordinary circumstances.


On January 11th, Daddy and Papa will appear before a Philadelphia Immigration Officer for a “Green Card” interview to put forward evidence of their 22-year relationship and their marriage. The goal? To be allowed to stay together with their children in this country. For a married gay couple in which one spouse is foriegn, the process of applying for permanent resident status is not straightforward. Frederick Deloizy is a French national, and, as a foreigner who has seen both his work visa and his student visa expire, the time he has left to share with his family may now be limited.

Frédéric Deloizy and Mark Himes, a US citizen were wed in California in 2008, 18 years after they first met. They represent a growing number of same-sex couples with a partner of foreign nationality at risk of separation because immigration officials are barred from recognizing their marriage under the federal Defense of Marriage Act. By contrast, any bi-national opposite-sex couple in their position would never face a future as uncertain. Despite the hurdles they face, Fred and Mark decided that they must fight for the green card based on their marriage. To do less, would be to accept the discrimination that has put their family in such a precarious position.

But theirs is a story not only about the federal government’s lack of recognition of same-sex marriage, but the legal limbo that it creates for same-sex bi-national couples with children. In two decades together, they have adopted four beautiful children, now ranging in age from six to eleven. A patchwork of incoherent legislation means that while they are recognized legally as same-sex adoptive parents in Pennsylvania, the federal govenrment refuses to recognize their marriage. They welcomed their two oldest children, John and Claire, just days after their respective birthdays in 2000 and 2003. On their 19th anniversary in April 2009, Fred and Mark welcomed Jacob and Joshua, both four years old at the time. All four of the kids would have remained wards of the state, dependent on government coffers, shuffled from one foster home to the next, if Mark and Fred had not provided a loving, stable home. Instead, they now have a Daddy and a Papa, and siblings, toys they may take for granted, and a loving home in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania that may soon be torn apart.


Their interview comes just one week after the Iowa caucuses and the day after the New Hampshire primary in the backdrop of an election season where candidates jostling for position to become the Republican presidential nominee have fallen over each other to convince audiences that they are the most opposed to marriages of same-sex couples. And they are fully aware that Pennsylvania’s former Senator, Rick Santorum, is the most vitriolic. Last week, he promised that if elected he would annul all same-sex marriages. In this weekend’s candiate debates, Santorum and his fellow Republican candidates made clear that they are equally opposed to adoption by same-sex couples. Mark and Fred see this as an attack on their family. It is hard to ignore the hypocrisy of this rhetoric, as it comes from individuals who are supposedly espousing the primacy of family values. Children deserve to have a loving home and loving parents. The four children in this loving home may yet see their family ripped apart, one of their parents exiled abroad because of the Defense of Marriage Act. The law is poorly named, because it defends no one’s marriage, but threatens to destroy this one.  Laws in both the U.S. and France create significant challenges to this couple of nearly 22 years. While France recognizes same-sex relationships as civil unions and may allow Mark to immigrate there, France does not recognize same-sex adoption and consequently, does not acknowledge that they are both legal parents of their children for immigration (or any other) purpose.

Mark and Fred have put their efforts over the past few years into staying in the United States, building their home, and putting down their roots. As they await a decision on whether 2012 will be the year their family is torn apart they have decided to take the fight to their elected officials and to the President, himself a son of a binational couple.  At best, the administrative agency could choose to do what Mark and Fred consider “the right thing” and place their case into abeyance until litigation concerning the constitutionality of DOMA makes its way to the Supreme Court. At worst, Fred may be placed into deportation proceedings, their nightmare scenario. Meanwhile, the family is in a state of limbo, and it pains them as parents when they can’t answer their children with certainty about the future. They can only preparing themselves, mentally and emotionally, to fight for full equality under the law.

See full post here.

STOP THE DEPORTATIONS, SEPARATIONS AND EXILE – THE DOMA PROJECT, a campaign co-founded by attorney, Lavi Soloway in July 2010 along with his law partner, Noemi Masliah, has contributed to the trend of recent victories for lesbian and gay couples who are faced with deportation, separation or exile because of the Defense of Marriage Act. For nearly two decades, Soloway has been the most prominent attorney and advocate on LGBT immigration law and policy in the United States. He has worked exclusively in this field since co-founding the non-profit organization, Immigration Equality, in 1993.

22 Years After They First Met, Gay Dads and Their Four Children Fight DOMA To Keep Their Family Together

We are Mark and Frédéric.

After more than 20 years, four children, and three houses, we are still unsure of our future.

Like any other parents in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania where we live, we spend our days taking care of our family, making sure that our children are loved, happy, healthy and are learning the skills and values that will give them the most opportunities for a successful and fulfilling life.

And yet, as much as we have devoted our lives to our family and to each other, we do not enjoy what most families in America take for granted. Despite being legally married, and having become the parents of four wonderful children, our family can be torn apart at any time by my own government because of the Defense of Marriage Act and because of outdated immigration laws.

We are Mark, Frédéric, John, Claire, Jacob and Joshua.

Fred and I met in April of 1990 at a birthday party for a mutual friend. As I learned later, neither one of us wanted to attend the part on that particular night, but, somehow, we both were talked into it. I arrived with my friend Rebecca at the same time that Fred arrived with his friend, Steve. As we approached the entrance, Fred said hello to me in his thick French accent. I often joke saying that “he had me at allo.” He held the door open for me that night.

After that, we spent most of the rest of the evening on the floor in the hallway simply talking about our lives. I found out that he had been in the country for the past year teaching at a university a couple hours away. By midnight, his crew was heading out. As we were saying goodbye, I leaned in and gently kissed him. I don’t know what possessed me to do that. He looked shocked. After he left, I asked the host if Fred was gay, since almost everyone at the party was straight. The host responded “yes” and told me that Fred was planning on going into the priesthood. That didn’t stop me from reaching out to him. I tracked him down at his university and sent him a card. We were able to meet again a few times before he went back to France two months later. And so began unbearable seven years of flying back and forth across the ocean as often as we could.

In 1997, Frédéric was hired at a local high school to teach French. We were finally together in the same country again, and we were both elated. In 1999, we stumbled across a house in Harrisburg that was condemned and boarded up. I fell in love with it. I had to convince Fred to buy it. We paid $1.00 for it and spent the next several months bringing it back to life. It was a labor of love. We literally built a home for ourselves. Ten years after we first met we were settling down and ready to start a family.

In April of 2000, we submitted our application to an adoption agency. They called us six days later to let us know that a boy was just born and asked if we would be interested. Nervously, we said yes. Our son, John, was born on April 20th, 2000. In July 2003, we were blessed again by the birth of our daughter, Claire.

In 2004, with Fred’s work visa due to expire after he reached the limit of six years, he and his employer reached out to an immigration lawyer only to learn that they had acted too late to be eligible for any extension. We began to face the prospect, that we would be forced to leave the United States and move to France. It was very difficult for me to think of leaving my parents and my sister with severe MS, but we could not allow our children to be separated from one of their parents. Our highest priority was keeping our family together. So thinking that we were moving to France, we advertised the house for sale. We had a buyer within a couple of days. With only a few months to go, Fred was able to obtain a student visa to attend our local college. But it was too late to save the house. We moved into a rental. During this time, we experienced what so many gay binational couples come to feel: a growing sense of frustration with the blatant discrimination that prevents gay American citizens from sponsoring their partners, even when they are legally married. We were featured in the documentary, Through Thick and Thin, which profiled the experiences of a diverse group of binational couples. We felt then, as we do now, that we must stand up for our rights. We could not live on this roller coaster, without any way to plan a secure future for our family, and just sit on our hands and do nothing.

Also during that time, we found another condemned house and started renovations on that. We completed the renovations and moved into that in 2005. By 2007, with two kids in private school and Fred unable to work because of his status as a foreign student, money was running low. We decided that, once again, we had no choice but to sell the house into which we literally had poured our blood, sweat and tears. It was heartbreaking to lose our home. We sold the house quickly and purchased a much smaller house in a less expensive neighborhood so that we could keep going for as long as possible on one salary.

In 2008, we married in San Francisco, 18 years after we had first met. A French film crew came with us, and we became part of a film on gay life in America: This is Family.

On April 7, 2009, our 19th anniversary, we met our youngest sons, Jacob and Joshua who were four at that time. They easily blended into our family and overnight, we went from two children to four. We were a growing family, full of love and optimism about our future in every respect but one. A ticking clock grew ever louder, as we knew that Fred’s student visa would eventually come to an end.

In the spring and summer of 2011, we were forced again to weigh our options. Now the proud (and sometimes exhausted) parents of four children, we were forced to look for a way to remain together in this country or else leave. We started to seriously consider moving to France. However, we quickly learned, that despite some advances in French law over the years, we were trapped. We could not stay in the United States (my country) and we could not move to France (Fred’s country). We are unwanted by both. Although we are both the legal parents of four American children, and both the state and federal government recognizes our status as parents, it will not recognize our marriage because of the Defense of Marriage Act. According to the U.S. government, I am the father of our four children, and Fred is the father of the same four children, but we are legal strangers to each other. Our marriage, our nearly 22 years together, all of that amounts to nothing. Fred has no right to stay in the United States beyond the expiration date of his visa. And that day was rapidly approaching. At the same time, while France would recognize our relationship under its less-than-optimal Civil Solidarity Pact (“PACS”), and it may even permit me to reside in France legally as an immigrant on the basis of our relationship (but not our marriage), the French government refuses to recognize the adoption of our children, because under French law same-sex couples are prohibited from adopting children. We are trapped by U.S. law that refuses to see our marriage, and French law that refuses to see our children. We cannot continue to live this way, and we cannot be torn apart. .. so we decided to fight back.

Over the past years, we have built our entire lives in the U.S. All of our family and friends are here. Our children should not be put through the trauma of seeing one of their parents forced out of the country, nor should we be uprooted and turned into refugees searching for a third country that will take us in. It is an outrage that my own government has created this situation and allows it to persist, when it has the power to solve the problem both in the short-term with interim policy changes, and in the long-run by defeating DOMA. We are thankful that this administration is fighting DOMA in court alongside lesbian and gay couples. Those cases will hopefully bring an end one day to that law and its cruel, unnecessary impact. But we need the administration to help all LGBT families like ours today by putting in place policies that protect us.

This past summer we decided to join The DOMA Project and fight for full equality for our family. After many discussions with our lawyer, we decided that I would file a “green card” petition on behalf of Fred, as my spouse. We have done this because we cannot continue to exist from one visa to another, we cannot put our children through the stress, and we cannot allow the status quo, in which our future is so unstable, to continue. We believe that we must set an example for our children by living our lives in a way that assumes we are all equal.

On Wednesday, January 11, 2012, Fred and I will go to the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services office in Philadelphia to be interviewed in connection with the marriage-based immigration petition I filed last summer. We will go into that interview expecting to be treated equally. A USCIS officer will ask us about our marriage, review our evidence of cohabitation and commingled finances, and proof that that we have a marital relationship. We have dutifully compiled a pile of documents and photographs for review. We welcome the opportunity to be treated just like everyone else: to prove that our marriage is real. While we look forward to the interview, we have no illusions of what we are up against. We will prove that we are, in every way, qualified for Fred to receive a green card, but he will still be denied. And that is where the next stage of our fight will begin.

We have notified our elected officials and we will continue to fight for our case to be approved or, at the very least, held in abeyance, and not denied. We are painfully aware of the Obama administration’s position that DOMA, despite being unconstitutional, must be enforced. We know that President Obama believes that DOMA prevents the Immigration Service from “recognizing” our marriage. Even so, there is no reason that our marriage cannot be respected and our family protected. We need bold leadership to create remedies that keep all families together. Our four children, John, Claire, Jacob and Joshua, deserve no less.

Mark, Frédéric, John, Claire, Jacob and Joshua at the White House Easter Egg Roll in 2010

Mark Himes blogs about his family at Our Simple Lives…A Daddy, a Papa and their four children.

Greg and Guillermo: A Romance, A Separation, A Wedding. And the Fight Against DOMA.

Sakurai, Japan

2011 – Where We Are Now.

By the time New York got around to legalizing same-sex marriage last summer, Guillermo and I already had something to celebrate. We’d just been reunited after nine months apart—a time spent scrambling to fix the unexpected complications of his visa. His return felt like a miracle, like all our prayers, our families’ prayers, had been heard. The passing of the Marriage Equality Act coincided with the start of Pride weekend, an occasion I hadn’t felt the need to celebrate until then. We stood together in our neighborhood bodega in Brooklyn that Saturday morning, and stared at the headline on the cover of the New York Daily News: “HISTORY!”

Sag Harbor, New York

I thought about how many of those people staring back from the front page were now engaged, because now they really could be. I thought of friends who would now be asking when we were getting engaged, and how we’d go about proposing, because now we were allowed to. And I thought about how we would tell them we proposed to each other years ago and just never told them.

2010 – Validation and Separation.

A year before the first official gay wedding took place in New York, I was at a straight wedding in New Jersey. I never had a wedding date before. My father is the youngest of six, which had ensured me an adolescence spent watching all my older cousins get married, while I drank underage with my sister and slow-danced awkwardly with girls my age from whatever other family we were marrying into that day.But after my cousin James had announced his engagement to his girlfriend, I received my first wedding invitation that read “and Guest” next to my name—the Guest being Guillermo, who had been gradually introduced into this side of my family over the past two years. The ceremony was perfect, to befit a cousin who seemed to always do everything right. We sat between my parents and my brother and his girlfriend, while my sister cantered at the front of the church. At the reception, Guillermo and I found a placard with our names on it, which said we’d be at Table 5, with all the other coupled cousins. “We were wondering who the last couple would be!” one of them said, which made me feel validated in a way I really hadn’t yet.

Stockholm, Sweden

I needed that kind of validation from my family, but soon after I needed it from my country even more. By the end of that summer, Guillermo and I had to say goodbye to each other in Sweden, where we’d gone for the last step in the process of getting his new visa. Guillermo is actually Colombian, but we were told the embassies in Western Europe would be easier to navigate than the one in Bogotá. We saved up for the trip, and made a vacation out of it. After arriving in Stockholm, we went straight to the U.S. Embassy for his interview. It didn’t go well. They toyed with him over the course of our trip, with sporadic emails and unnecessary interrogation, creating a dark cloud that hung over us wherever we went in this beautiful country we’d never been to before. On the last day, our dread was fully realized when Guillermo was denied the visa. I had to fly back home to New York without him. And for the next nine months, I’d wake up in our bed to realize I was still alone. It was like a daily reminder that someone had ripped my arm off, and I couldn’t stop the bleeding.

Bogota, Colombia

2008 – Japan and Long Distance.

Our relationship had survived long-distance before. We’d only been dating for a few months when I got a call from an ESL exchange program I applied to sometime during my senior year of college and forgot about. I had twenty-four hours to accept a teaching job in Japan on a one-year contract. Having just graduated, I wasn’t about to turn any job down or pass up such an opportunity. Guillermo wouldn’t let me pass it up. And so began the first of many airport goodbyes to come. Being a gay binational couple almost guarantees you will be crying in airports. A lot. You also learn to find the right spot to kiss in private, or learn not to care who sees you.

Guillermo came to Japan to visit me two days before Christmas. It was the first time we would spend Christmas without our families, but also the first we would spend as a new family all our own. After the New Year came, and January neared its end, so did Guillermo’s visit. There was just one last stop to make before we said goodbye again, but getting to Mount Fuji was no easy feat. We missed our overnight bus to Tokyo, having misread the time printed on our tickets, and had to take an early morning train to Kyoto for another bus. It was early evening by the time we reached Tokyo, so we looked for a place to eat and a hotel to spend the night. The only cheap accommodation in Tokyo’s Shinjuku neighborhood are “love hotels,” where couples rent a room by the hour, and overnight rates are offered after ten o’clock. The first love hotel we entered looked more or less unassuming, but upon walking up to the front desk we found a light board with depictions of various sexual scenarios on hand—the way you might see chicken rings and sliders lit up at White Castle. We stood there with our mouths agape, unaware we were actually being asked to leave. The man behind the window pointed to me, pointed to Guillermo, and made an X with his forearms. There was a shocking assortment of perversity on hand here, but two men in love was simply crossing the line. It was a similar story at the next two hotels. In one lobby, we could only see the hands of the person behind the counter. That didn’t stop whoever it was from waving their finger in our faces. Much later, we finally found a hotel that would take us. The man at the counter chuckled to himself, but passed a key into our weary hands anyway.

Mount Fuji, Japan

The crows shrieking outside our window woke us up early, giving us plenty of time to check out and make our way through the empty streets to catch our bus to Mount Fuji. We had many false alarms during the bus ride, but one thing I now know about the great Fuji-san is that there is no mistaking it when you do finally see it for the first time. We were the only ones dropped off in a tiny resort town at the fifth station of the mountain, which is the furthest you can go while the mountain is closed to visitors through winter. We stood alone in the mouth of a great forest, at the foot of the mountain. And we proposed to each other there. I knew I had found someone I never wanted to let go of, and would fight to make sure I never had to. Looking into each other’s eyes, we agreed that when it could happen, when history would be made, we would be ready for it. And our own history we’d get to write ourselves.

Guillermo and Gregory were married on November 7, 2011.

Zipaquira, Colombia

The Other Half of the Orange is a multimedia project platform created and self-published by Guillermo Riveros and Gregory Wazowicz, a bi-national gay couple based in New York, dealing with the personal and professional ramifications of immigration in the age of DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act), which prevents the federal government from recognizing the validity of same-sex marriages. The title is a literal translation of a Spanish idiom (media naranja), meaning one’s “half-orange,” one’s sweetheart, one’s beautifully perfect other half. This platform is meant to chronicle the challenges—and triumphs—of holding onto that other half once it’s been found, as well as curate the many creative pursuits to come out of this struggle to stay and work together. See more about this project at The Other Half of the Orange.

© The DOMA Project

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This is a pro-bono project of the law firm of Masliah & Soloway, PC. Posts on this website are offered for informational purposes only and do not constitute legal advice. The law firm of Masliah & Soloway, PC has offices in New York and Los Angeles. Our practice is limited to U.S. Immigration & Nationality Law.